I am very annoyed that some people seem to think my virginity is at odds with my feminism. That my modesty, my chastity are in direct opposition to being a fiercely dedicated feminist. There is a certain brand of feminism, let’s call it Sex and the City feminism in which the liberation of a woman is in direct proportion to how many men she’s slept with. I fundamentally reject this brand of feminism. It is not mine. Being a feminist does not mean you have to go to bed with every man you like. You do not have to sleep around to be sexually liberated. You do not have to exercise the freedom in order to benefit from it. Feminism means I get to choose what to do or not do with my body. That is the freedom feminism has offered me. So, the deal is I won’t slut-shame you, and you won’t virgin-shame me.
But please don’t assume that I am stuck in some patriarchal cycle of virginity and shame that I am unaware of. I know that sex has been used to keep women quiet for thousands of years. I know that a woman’s virginity has been an indicator of her value for just as long. I know that women have been and continue to be killed because they slept with men who were not their husbands. I am not a part of this tradition just because I do not believe in sex outside the confines of marriage.
I decided a long time ago what sex is. I believe that it is a covenant between two people. A divine gift for consecrating a marriage between a husband and a wife. Sex that does not happen within those bounds is not for me. I made an informed and intentional decision about sex and about my body. It is no less feminist than yours. My virginity is not a prison. Please do not condescend me by assuming that I am blindly following in a tradition that I do not understand because I can assure you that I get it.
I also think that women can discuss sexuality and be disappointed in other women without being bigots. I think that we can raise reasonable questions without being accused of slut-shaming. Mayim Bialik is getting some hate from feminists across the web for ‘slut-shaming’ Ariana Grande. I read her blog post and I do not think she was slut-shaming. She was asking good questions. She was asking why sex is the only way to sell anything related to women.
“I mean, I know that society is patriarchal and women are expected to be sexy and sexually available no matter what we do in society, but I guess now I need to explain that to my sons?”
She is getting at something really important here. Sexualizing women in the media isn’t just bad for women. It’s also bad for men who are taught from a very early age that the female body is a commodity for male consumption. In turn, boys grow up believing that and the cycle of misogyny continues. The Internet is judging Mayim Bialik for not being a Sex and the City feminist. For believing that a woman’s body is not her only source of capital. For seeing that the sexualization of women is still reenforcing patriarchal paradigms.
I think Bialik makes an excellent point. Ariana Grande does not need to sell her body. She’s a good singer. She can be sexy and show it off if she wants to, but my problem is that she doesn’t really have another option. Yes, maybe she made this choice all on her own. But maybe she didn’t, and would she be as successful, as well liked if she hadn’t? You are naive if you think Grande’s choice to wear underwear in her publicity photos has nothing to do with the male consumer environment. I don’t mind a strong sexy lady showing off her body. Not at all. But I don’t like that the success of a female artist is innately tied up in how sexy she can be. I don’t like that men get to wear full suits and ties while women strip down to their undergarments. At the end of the day this tells women and girls that their bodies are the only things that really matter, that any other skill is just secondary to the size of your breasts and the movement of your hips.
It’s okay if you want to wear dowdy sweaters and die a virgin. You can still be a feminist. It’s okay to be saddened by the objectification of women’s bodies, even when they are in control of it. People think I’m being crushed by the patriarchy for holding onto my virginity, but maybe they never asked themselves if they’re being crushed for giving it up. Men are still controlling this conversation. Women are still showing up on billboards and album covers and magazine advertisements in their underwear. Do you think men care who made that decision?
My problem is that women being sexy on their own terms all too often looks like women being sexy on men’s terms.
Feminists come in all shapes and sizes and maybe we should recognize that they also come in all types of clothing. The movement needs women of every kind to thrive, and women who wear cardigans or even hijabs may be just as liberated as Carrie Bradshaw.
But please don’t assume that I am stuck in some patriarchal cycle of virginity and shame that I am unaware of. I know that sex has been used to keep women quiet for thousands of years. I know that a woman’s virginity has been an indicator of her value for just as long. I know that women have been and continue to be killed because they slept with men who were not their husbands. I am not a part of this tradition just because I do not believe in sex outside the confines of marriage.
I decided a long time ago what sex is. I believe that it is a covenant between two people. A divine gift for consecrating a marriage between a husband and a wife. Sex that does not happen within those bounds is not for me. I made an informed and intentional decision about sex and about my body. It is no less feminist than yours. My virginity is not a prison. Please do not condescend me by assuming that I am blindly following in a tradition that I do not understand because I can assure you that I get it.
I also think that women can discuss sexuality and be disappointed in other women without being bigots. I think that we can raise reasonable questions without being accused of slut-shaming. Mayim Bialik is getting some hate from feminists across the web for ‘slut-shaming’ Ariana Grande. I read her blog post and I do not think she was slut-shaming. She was asking good questions. She was asking why sex is the only way to sell anything related to women.
“I mean, I know that society is patriarchal and women are expected to be sexy and sexually available no matter what we do in society, but I guess now I need to explain that to my sons?”
She is getting at something really important here. Sexualizing women in the media isn’t just bad for women. It’s also bad for men who are taught from a very early age that the female body is a commodity for male consumption. In turn, boys grow up believing that and the cycle of misogyny continues. The Internet is judging Mayim Bialik for not being a Sex and the City feminist. For believing that a woman’s body is not her only source of capital. For seeing that the sexualization of women is still reenforcing patriarchal paradigms.
I think Bialik makes an excellent point. Ariana Grande does not need to sell her body. She’s a good singer. She can be sexy and show it off if she wants to, but my problem is that she doesn’t really have another option. Yes, maybe she made this choice all on her own. But maybe she didn’t, and would she be as successful, as well liked if she hadn’t? You are naive if you think Grande’s choice to wear underwear in her publicity photos has nothing to do with the male consumer environment. I don’t mind a strong sexy lady showing off her body. Not at all. But I don’t like that the success of a female artist is innately tied up in how sexy she can be. I don’t like that men get to wear full suits and ties while women strip down to their undergarments. At the end of the day this tells women and girls that their bodies are the only things that really matter, that any other skill is just secondary to the size of your breasts and the movement of your hips.
It’s okay if you want to wear dowdy sweaters and die a virgin. You can still be a feminist. It’s okay to be saddened by the objectification of women’s bodies, even when they are in control of it. People think I’m being crushed by the patriarchy for holding onto my virginity, but maybe they never asked themselves if they’re being crushed for giving it up. Men are still controlling this conversation. Women are still showing up on billboards and album covers and magazine advertisements in their underwear. Do you think men care who made that decision?
My problem is that women being sexy on their own terms all too often looks like women being sexy on men’s terms.
Feminists come in all shapes and sizes and maybe we should recognize that they also come in all types of clothing. The movement needs women of every kind to thrive, and women who wear cardigans or even hijabs may be just as liberated as Carrie Bradshaw.