We Christian ladies are so lucky. There are so many helpful guides and tips for us out there on the world wide web! I think we are especially fortunate that literature about modesty is so readily available to us. Take this blog post, for example. Wow, us Christ-lovin’ ladies are given so much support and guidance about the tightness of our pants and the necklines of our shirts. It is just so nice when people tell us what we should do to keep men from sinning. That is a gift and a responsibility that I am more than happy to take on. Now, I know there are some new-fangled ideas floating around out there, some women are suggesting that men should actually take some responsibility for their thoughts and actions. There are even some women saying that the Church is shaming women into dressing a certain way and letting the men get off scot-free. If you want to take a trip down pagan lane you can read this post. I think that’s just a load of crap. Women - your bodies are booby-traps for sin. I mean that literally. Hide them, cover them, destroy them.
Thank you, bloggers of the internet, for telling us what makes men stumble. The only thing I think is unfair about this whole situation is that no one has offered to do the same for men! Those poor Christian men out there are walking around making women stumble and no one has told them how to stop! It’s a travesty. I know this may come as a shock to some of you (it certainly did to me), but there are some women out there (I think mostly Unitarians living in cities like Portland) who struggle with lust. I know, I know. It’s outrageous. But for the sake of our brothers and sisters, let’s lay out a few basic guidelines and return some of the love us ladies have been getting for hundreds of years!
- Stop wearing cardigans. No, seriously. You look like Indiana Jones and it is taking all of our power not to paint “love you” on our eyelids. To the literary type an unbuttoned cardigan is akin to double D’s in a white t-shirt. Pictures of a young Sean Connery drinking a glass of Scotch suddenly pop into our minds and we can’t get rid of them. So, burn that cable knit and pray for forgiveness.
- Do not exercise (or do anything else) without a shirt on. I understand that you get hot while you’re jogging, biking, etc. but for the benefit of humanity close your blinds put on a snowsuit and run around your apartment. I hear you, you like to exercise outside because of the scenery, the sunshine, whatever. We all must make sacrifices.
- No more tweed. Sorry, but it’s out and I think we all know why (*cough* Indiana Jones *cough*).
- Long blonde hair has got to go. Thor ruined it for you. Ladies can no longer see blonde hair and control their heart rates. It’s a serious medical condition.
- Short brown hair is also out. You can thank Andrew Garfield for that.
- Salt and pepper hair? NOPE. Dermot Mulroney is just too tempting.
- Get rid of that whisk. Stop cooking altogether. A good Hollandaise sauce will turn any woman into a real slut.
- Take your aviator sunglasses outside, put them on a chopping block, and smash them with an axe (but wear a shirt, rule #2). First it was Tom Cruise then it became this whole phenomenon and now it’s just a proverbial wet t-shirt contest. Daniel Craig is the most recent perpetrator of this unseemly accessory.
- Stop becoming police officers/firefighters/soldiers/mall cops. It’s true what they say about men in uniform. So give up on that lifelong dream of saving people’s lives and become an accountant (but don’t wear sweater vests, plaid, or thick-framed glasses).
- If you are burdened with any of the following accents: English, Scottish, Australian, Welsh, South African, Irish, Italian, or French you need to immediately stop speaking and write everything down on post-it notes. No exceptions. Okay, there’s one exception. If you can learn to speak in a really nasal-y East coast accent you can start speaking again. But if you get anywhere close to Matt Damon in The Departed you’ve gone too far in the right direction and need to head to the store for an unlimited supply of post-its.
- Shave off that facial hair. A man with a beard is just asking for it.
- Put down that guitar. Yes, you in the V-neck, put it down. Musicians are kryptonite to women. I’ve heard all the excuses, “But, I’m a musician. This is how I make my living.” Then I suggest you pick up a tuba and start practicing (but don’t put on a marching band uniform, see rule #8). “But, music is my passion and I love to play.” Tough break, dude, looks like you’ll be unhappy forever but at least women will stop lusting. “But, I’m on the music team at church.” WORST OF THE WORST. You’re an Elvis in Chris Tomlin’s clothing.
- If your name is Clive Owen, Colin Firth, Channing Tatum, James or Dave Franco, Jude Law, Orlando Bloom, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Harrison Ford, Ewan McGregor, George Clooney, Chris or Liam Hemsworth, Robert Pattinson, Michael Fassbender, Benedict Cumberbatch, Edward Norton, Zac Efron, Idris Elba, Justin Timberlake, a member of One Direction, James McAvoy, Ben Affleck, Michael Cera (you’d be surprised), Jason Sudeikis, Daniel Radcliffe, Liam Neeson, Hugh Dancy or Grant, Luke Bryan, Tom Hiddleston, Will Smith, Hugh Jackman, Rupert Grint, Jake Owen, Robert Downey Jr. or anyone who remotely resembles any of these men you need to a) wear a mask at all times b) gain at least 100 pounds and c) stay inside for the rest of your life.
I know it’s a long list but I really wanted to cover my bases. Now, before any of you have the chance to complain I want to answer some criticisms that I’m sure will come up.
“Gee Sara, this seems like a pretty specific list, don’t you think different people struggle with different things? Tweed might make one person stumble and have no effect whatsoever on someone else.” WRONG. All women are the same, as are all men, which is why women can’t wear yoga pants in public.
“Do women have some responsibility over their thoughts? Is it impossible for them to control their minds when they see a photo of Benedict Cumberbatch?” It is entirely impossible. The object of lust is clearly to blame here.
“Some of these seem kind of extreme. Are you really saying Rupert Grint can’t leave his house?” That is precisely what I’m saying.
“It is impossible for someone to follow all of these rules. What can your hair look like it if it can’t be blonde, brown, salt & pepper, short, or long?” Bald. No, wait Jason Statham and Bruce Willis have tainted that as well. Red, maybe? Nope, Prince Harry. Sorry guys, just put a bag over your head and hope for the best.
"Be honest. Did you just write this post as an excuse to use that photo of Harrison Ford?" No comment.
Recommended further reading:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/paulaersly/an-ode-to-hot-young-harrison-ford-may-he-rip
http://www.buzzfeed.com/saeedjones/if-spotify-recommended-hot-guys-instead-of-music