I think this post calls for some P!nk. Reader’s choice for which song. (Note: do you guys actually listen to these recommendations? Sound off in the comments, please!)
If you are a regular reader of my blog a) thank you and b) you’ve probably noticed that I have some issues with the way the Church treats women, and today’s post is no different. I’ve come to realize that I have a problem with the word pursue.
Christian women (and men!) just love that word. You cannot walk into a youth group basement without some goatee-d leader telling you that you deserve to be pursued. Like a limping impala or a confused rabbit. If you ladies are wondering what men talk about in those secret meetings when they split us by gender, this is the answer. We get the modesty talk and the boys are told not to masturbate or look at porn. But I’m convinced that they are also told to use the word pursue as often as possible. It is a secret key to the chastity belt of a Proverbs 31 woman. It conjures up images of Jacob working 14 years for Rachel’s hand. Or Samson going on a killing spree after the Philistines killed his first wife. Or Xerxes hanging Haman when he threatened Esther and her people. Or David killing Uriah after he slept with Bathsheba. So romantic. Wait. Did this just get weird? Yep. Because pursue is a violent, stubborn, and unyielding verb. It has no place in a loving, respectful, and mutual relationship.
The dictionary defines pursue: to follow in order to overtake, capture, kill; chase. Am I the only one uncomfortable with this concept? It’s the intention behind the word that causes me trouble. To overtake, capture, kill. I don’t know about you, but this isn’t exactly my picture of a healthy romantic relationship (actually, it sounds more like the mantra of a decepticon). To pursue implies that the followed is unwilling. Ladies, it is not romantic to have to turn off your phone because he won’t stop calling, or to avoid him at church because he keeps asking you out. Men, it is not cool to not get the picture. It is disrespectful and inconsiderate. It says that women don’t really know what they want. It says that women are feeble-minded and easily swayed. We aren’t.
So, don’t pursue me. If I run away from you then stop chasing me. I’m not prey and I hope you’re not a predator. If someone likes me and I like them then no pursuing needs to take place. Pursue culture robs women of agency. It minimizes their desires and dreams. It tells women not to take a stand. It tells men that “no” might not really mean “no”. A lion pursues a gazelle, and my hair might look like a flock of sheep, but I’m not one.
I’d rather take a page from Ruth’s book and marry a man that makes me bold. I’d rather my lover treated me with such great kindness and respect that I felt comfortable making my bed next to his. I’d rather he won me with wisdom and decency than violence and ignorance. Because Jacob married Rachel’s sister. And Samson committed suicide blind, weak, and alone. And David was wracked with the guilt and pain of his affair until he died.
Now, I’m not saying that you can’t woo a girl who’s on the fence, or call more than once a day, or give it a year and try again. I’m saying that the word pursue contributes to a culture that minimizes a woman’s ability to choose and vilifies a woman who makes the first move. So, I’m making a decision to stop using that word in the context of my relationships (disclaimer: I'm single so this is an easy sacrifice to make).
At the end of the day I’d rather run with you* than from you.
*Note: this is metaphorical, I’m not a runner.
If you are a regular reader of my blog a) thank you and b) you’ve probably noticed that I have some issues with the way the Church treats women, and today’s post is no different. I’ve come to realize that I have a problem with the word pursue.
Christian women (and men!) just love that word. You cannot walk into a youth group basement without some goatee-d leader telling you that you deserve to be pursued. Like a limping impala or a confused rabbit. If you ladies are wondering what men talk about in those secret meetings when they split us by gender, this is the answer. We get the modesty talk and the boys are told not to masturbate or look at porn. But I’m convinced that they are also told to use the word pursue as often as possible. It is a secret key to the chastity belt of a Proverbs 31 woman. It conjures up images of Jacob working 14 years for Rachel’s hand. Or Samson going on a killing spree after the Philistines killed his first wife. Or Xerxes hanging Haman when he threatened Esther and her people. Or David killing Uriah after he slept with Bathsheba. So romantic. Wait. Did this just get weird? Yep. Because pursue is a violent, stubborn, and unyielding verb. It has no place in a loving, respectful, and mutual relationship.
The dictionary defines pursue: to follow in order to overtake, capture, kill; chase. Am I the only one uncomfortable with this concept? It’s the intention behind the word that causes me trouble. To overtake, capture, kill. I don’t know about you, but this isn’t exactly my picture of a healthy romantic relationship (actually, it sounds more like the mantra of a decepticon). To pursue implies that the followed is unwilling. Ladies, it is not romantic to have to turn off your phone because he won’t stop calling, or to avoid him at church because he keeps asking you out. Men, it is not cool to not get the picture. It is disrespectful and inconsiderate. It says that women don’t really know what they want. It says that women are feeble-minded and easily swayed. We aren’t.
So, don’t pursue me. If I run away from you then stop chasing me. I’m not prey and I hope you’re not a predator. If someone likes me and I like them then no pursuing needs to take place. Pursue culture robs women of agency. It minimizes their desires and dreams. It tells women not to take a stand. It tells men that “no” might not really mean “no”. A lion pursues a gazelle, and my hair might look like a flock of sheep, but I’m not one.
I’d rather take a page from Ruth’s book and marry a man that makes me bold. I’d rather my lover treated me with such great kindness and respect that I felt comfortable making my bed next to his. I’d rather he won me with wisdom and decency than violence and ignorance. Because Jacob married Rachel’s sister. And Samson committed suicide blind, weak, and alone. And David was wracked with the guilt and pain of his affair until he died.
Now, I’m not saying that you can’t woo a girl who’s on the fence, or call more than once a day, or give it a year and try again. I’m saying that the word pursue contributes to a culture that minimizes a woman’s ability to choose and vilifies a woman who makes the first move. So, I’m making a decision to stop using that word in the context of my relationships (disclaimer: I'm single so this is an easy sacrifice to make).
At the end of the day I’d rather run with you* than from you.
*Note: this is metaphorical, I’m not a runner.