I’m telling you this story because today I got my marks back from my Master’s program and I cried. I didn’t do terribly. I did average, maybe slightly above. But I was horribly disappointed. We humans do this thing, I think, where we cuddle up to our accomplishments when we’re feeling low. When I feel unwanted I can hug my intelligence close and it comforts that lonely part of my soul. When I feel stupid I can hug my beauty close and it comforts the disappointed part of my mind. When I feel ugly I can hug my love close and it comforts the disgusted part of my body. This is how we cycle through our pain. Today when I saw those results I sorted through my body, my soul, my face, and my brain looking for the thing that would black out the shame and disappointment and I came up empty handed. I sifted through the compliments I keep on file in my mind and burned them one by one. I cried. It hurt. I laid down on my bed and wept. I stood up looked in the mirror and told myself that it was okay to be sad. It’s okay to be disappointed. It’s okay to be upset and it’s okay to cry about it. I said out loud, to myself, it’s okay. I’m not really believing it yet. But I decided to write it down, and in some incremental way I think it has helped.
I think back on my dreams as an aspiring child model and I laugh because it’s funny. I don’t know that I’ll ever look back at these grades and chuckle over my tears. But maybe I will. Either way I can take comfort in the perspective that time has given me. A career at Abercrombie once seemed the pinnacle of success to me. But we grow and change and learn new things and those things that once seemed mountains can become very distant hills in our gracious memories. Accomplishments do not make the woman. But the real trouble is that the pride I should feel over this thing I did is completely overshadowed by the shame of what I didn't. I'm not going to let my shame win this one, but I will give myself the grace to feel sad about it.
I am sad. Today I am low down to the Earth because I did not get the grade I wanted. But tomorrow I will stand a little taller until the next thing knocks me down again. And you will give me virtual and real hugs and that will be enough for me today and tomorrow and the next day. Someday I’ll have a kid, or a write a book, or get a PhD and this pain will lessen with the weight of new joy or new heartache. That’s how it has always gone. But for today I will wallow just a little. Tonight I will drink wine and watch a Meg Ryan movie because that is my right.
To add insult to injury I never heard back from those assholes at Abercrombie.